Think about the last time you flirted with your partner. Not told them you loved them. Not kissed them goodbye. Not sent a heart emoji after they said they’d picked up the groceries. Actually flirted with them.
A look that lasted slightly too long. A message in the middle of the afternoon that made them smile. A compliment with absolutely no practical purpose. A kiss that wasn’t hello or goodbye. A little teasing.
The kind of thing you did constantly when you were first getting together. Can you remember? We don’t stop loving. We stop flirting.
At the beginning of a relationship, flirting seems to happen automatically. You’re constantly signalling attraction. You dress differently when you know you’re going to see them. You notice what they’re wearing. You find excuses to touch. Messages have subtext. Goodbyes take longer than necessary.
There is anticipation in simply knowing you’re going to see each other later.
Then something wonderful happens. You become comfortable. You stop performing quite so much. They see you when you’ve just woken up. You see them when they’re ill. You argue about electricity bills. You discuss whether there’s enough milk for tomorrow morning.
Eventually, you become completely, gloriously yourself around another human being. That’s one of the great privileges of a long relationship. But somewhere in that transition from “I really want this person to fancy me” to “this person has seen me with food poisoning”, flirting can quietly disappear.
Love and desire aren’t quite the same thing
You can know that somebody loves you without feeling particularly desired by them. Those are different experiences.
Love says: “Did you take your medicine?” “I’ll pick you up.” “I ordered the thing you needed.” “Text me when you get there.”
Desire says something else. It says: I still notice you. And perhaps that’s why flirting matters long after you’ve stopped needing it to establish whether someone is interested.
It’s reassurance of a different kind. Not: We’re okay. But: I’m still into you.
Familiarity makes us lazy
When you’re dating, you don’t assume attraction. You communicate it. Twenty years into a relationship, it can feel unnecessary. Of course I find you attractive. They know that.
Do they? Or more importantly, when did you last make them feel it? Long relationships contain plenty of compliments. “You look nice.” “Your hair looks good.” “I like that shirt.” All lovely.
But flirting has something compliments don’t. Intent. There’s a difference between: “That dress looks great.” and: “You’re making it very difficult for me to concentrate in that dress.” One is an observation. The other creates a moment.
Also read: Stop planning date nights; start dating each other
Flirting doesn’t have to lead anywhere
This might be the most important part. Not every touch needs to initiate sex. Not every suggestive message is a promise about what happens tonight. Not every kiss needs a sequel.
Sometimes flirting can exist simply because it’s enjoyable to know that the person you’ve been with for years still wants to make your heart beat slightly faster.
Send the message. Give the look. Touch their hand under the table. Whisper something when nobody else can hear. Kiss them unexpectedly in the kitchen. Then continue making dinner. The lack of an agenda is partly what makes it fun.
Anticipation is underrated
One of the biggest differences between new relationships and established ones is anticipation. Early on, you spend hours looking forward to seeing someone. Later, you might literally be sitting beside them while scrolling through your phone. Proximity has replaced anticipation.
So create some again. Send a message at 3 PM: “Don’t make plans tonight.” Don’t explain. Or: “Wear the black shirt tonight.” Or simply: “I’ve been thinking about you all afternoon.”
Suddenly, 8 PM is slightly more interesting than it was five minutes ago. Nothing has actually happened yet. That’s the point.
Touch without a reason
Physical affection develops routines too. The morning kiss. The goodbye kiss. The goodnight kiss. The hug when someone gets home. These gestures are valuable precisely because they’re rituals.
But add some touches that aren’t on the schedule. Put your arms around them while they’re making coffee. Hold their hand while you’re sitting at home. Give them a shoulder massage without being asked. Pull them closer while you’re talking. Kiss them when there’s absolutely no reason to. Stay there a second longer. Relationships need affectionate touch. But sometimes they also need touch that says: I haven’t forgotten this part of us.
Be a little ridiculous
Flirting doesn’t have to be smooth. In fact, after years together, attempting to be smooth can be hilarious. That’s good.
Send a terrible pickup line. Pretend you’re strangers at a bar. Give them an outrageously over-the-top compliment. Dance with them while dinner is cooking. Try to seduce them and make them laugh instead. Intimacy and humour aren’t opposites. For many couples, laughter is part of intimacy.
The point isn’t to recreate exactly who you were when you first met. Those people didn’t have what you have now. The shared history. The private jokes. The memories. The familiarity. The knowledge of each other’s bodies and moods and peculiarities. You don’t need to become those two people again. Just borrow a little of their audacity.
Don’t wait until you feel spontaneous
We tend to imagine flirting should happen naturally. If you have to consciously decide to do it, surely that makes it less romantic? Not really.
You consciously make reservations. You consciously buy flowers. You consciously plan holidays. You consciously remember anniversaries. Intentional doesn’t mean artificial. Sometimes you act first and the feeling follows.
Put the phones away. Play some music. Sit closer. Make the effort. Create the opportunity. See what happens.
Keep choosing each other
Long-term love is often described in terms of commitment. And rightly so. But commitment doesn’t only mean choosing to stay. Sometimes it means continuing to choose the person who stayed.
Notice them. Surprise them. Touch them. Tease them. Compliment them. Make them blush occasionally.
Remind them that underneath the schedules, responsibilities, grocery lists and shared passwords, there are still two people who once couldn’t stop thinking about each other. You don’t have to flirt like you’ve just met. You have something better. You get to flirt with someone who already knows all your moves. So you’ll have to come up with some new ones.
Spurkle helps couples put a little spontaneity, playfulness and intimacy back into everyday relationships. Check out the app.
